The Virtual Shrubbery - Apollo's Playground

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures,
and cats like authors for the same reasons.
--Robertson Davies

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments,
but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
--Joseph Wood Krutch


Kitty Nirvana!

I love sinks!

Whatchu lookin' at?

Who knew Kitty Nirvana came in multiple experiences?

It's a long way down, but I don't need help!





I Corinthians 13:4-8

Previous installments:

The Move (TheMove.pdf / 17KB) ‡ A Flying Plaything (FlyingPlaything / 21KB) ‡ Emergency Update (Emergency.pdf /226KB) ‡ Foiling Mama (Foiling.pdf / 9KB) ‡ Plausible Deniability (PlausibleDeniability.pdf /62KB) ‡ Estrogen Overload (EstrogenOverload.pdf / 13KB) ‡ Catnapping (Catnapping.pdf /188KB ) ‡ Lend Me Your Ears (Ears.pdf / 10KB) ‡ The P.K.s (PKs.pdf / 75KB) ‡ I've Been in Hell (Hell.pdf / 9KB) ‡ Happy Birthday to Me! (Birthday.pdf / 9KB) ‡ Joys, Silly Little Sisters, and Poetry (Joys.pdf / 13KB) ‡ Not Speaking to the Amamauensis and Asserting Authority (Authority.pdf / 13KB) ‡ The Humdrum Life (Humdrum.pdf /10KB ) ‡ DIH (DIH.pdf /334KB) ‡ You're Interrupting My Nap (Nap.pdf / 12KB) ‡ I'm So Excited! (Excited.pdf / 12KB) ‡ Betrayed (Betrayed.pdf / 13KB) ‡ Year in Review (Review.pdf /2.26MB) ‡ Calumny and Lies! Lies, I Tell You, LIES! (internal link) ‡ Bored (internal link)


I've been MUZZLED for 6 long months. Mama thought those swipes at her ankle were just play, but really it was my way of saying "I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY TO MY LOYAL SUBJECTS!" Obviously, it didn't work, and I for one am not buying the "anti-virus/firewall" excuse. She took away my First Amendment right to freedom of speech. I want a lawyer and a chance to be made whole!

What do you mean, I'm a cat and the Constitution doesn't apply to me, Mama? It says...oh, wait, it does say "people" and "person" in the main body of the Constitution. But it doesn't say against whom Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, nor does it say whose freedom of speech Congress shall not abridge. Therefore, I am included in that as a Feline-American. So, I demand redress!

Mama, you know I can't get a job to pay for a lawyer. There must be some kind of legal support for aggrieved Feline-Americans. The FACLU or the NAAFAP or something. Oh, you want me to stop whining and start talking about something important? My rights aren't important? The fact that you MUZZLED me for 6 months isn't important?

Fine. Be that way. Just watch your ankles.

I'm maturing as you might expect - regally. My reflexes are as sharp as my claws and Princess Thing is just as cowed by my obvious superiority as ever. Though she (it? he?) has gotten a bit better at picking fights, which I always win so I wonder why she bothers. I still get my required handsome sleep, often these days on a radiator in the sun in the dining room in the morning or on Mama's bed in the afternoon and evenings. At night, when Mama isn't restless, I snuggle beside her; otherwise, I have a comfortable spot at the bottom end of the bed.

The Culligan man knows to close the basement door now after I took an exploratory journey back in the fall. I won't say it was the most exciting adventure I've ever had, since being out on the porch roof is definitely at the top of THAT list. But I did find out what it feels like to have an arachnoleptic fit after I found half the cobwebs in the basement in a single lap around the floor. Mama wasn't too happy with me because I took my nap on her clean sheets, which then had a curiously cat-shaped gray spot on them. She cleaned it up with a damp cloth. She cleaned me up, too. YUCK. I hate cat wipes.

I'm sure I will have more to say soon, but for now, I just can't remember everything I wanted to tell all of you, my adoring fans, while I was MUZZLED. I don't exactly have a way to take notes without the cooperation of the very one who abridged my rights. I'll make her pay, don't worry.

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free (to speak) at last!
(as dictated to my legally suspect "amamauensis")


Some of you have wondered where I've been for the last 8 months or so. Well, the answer is, right here, being basically bored except for a week with houseguests after Christmas (not bored) and a couple of weeks when Mama wasn't home (lonely AND bored).

It's not really very fair to say that I've been bored. It's just been the same old, same old around here without many visitors. Serina will now actually pick fights now on rare occasions, though It's still so tiny compared to me that it's not such a fair fight. But Mama is okay with our squabbles because we NEVER draw blood on each other. On her, yes, occasionally - even the little one managed it once or twice! I'd be proud of It if I cared enough to feel pride in its accomplishments. (No, It hasn't been nipped and tucked. I have come to the conclusion that "It" is an appropriate appellation because it has little tiny male parts but none of the male tendencies when females in heat are around - and yes, we've encountered a couple of them each month through the screen doors. I, who HAVE been shamefully emasculated, reacted more to those hussies than It did. I would say there's a definite lack of testosterone in this house except that it's not true; the testosterone is just in the wrong bodies, apparently.)

I haven't even had many days locked out of the bedroom this year because it's been good weather - and that means the bugs have stayed mostly outside, which cuts down on my fun factor. The most exciting thing that has happened all summer was last week when Mama had a hot flash as she was settling down to go to sleep. How exciting was it? I actually left the room because she was radiating so much heat. And a couple of hours later, when she was asleep, the sheets around her were still hot enough to be uncomfortable. So I slept at the end of the bed instead of next to her. It was awful. Almost as awful as now, because she has the air conditioner on to help with the humidity. Hello? Does she think I like humidity? Let's compare surface area covered by hair to surface area covered by fur. I win, even over It.

Let me stay in, Mama! I'll even watch the convention coverage with you.

Wait. If I'm that desperate...I REALLY MUST BE BORED. Help me!

Apathetically yours,
(as dictated to my "amamauensis")

Calumny and Lies! Lies, I Tell You, LIES!

Do not under any circumstances believe what you read at that other site. The image seen there has clearly been Photoshopped, as I would never allow myself to be seen in such a degrading position. I don't blame Bill. His name has been dragged through the mud in this endeavor to smear my good name and I will defend him and his honor with my claws. And I will brook no comments about "cute", "adorable", or "sweet" with regard to that blasphemous photograph, either. I have been wronged and if I thought I could get a lawyer to take my case, I'd sue.

Mama just laughed at me and said that cats don't have standing in human courts. I wonder if I can get habeus corpus to apply with the right representation? Probably not, at least under the Bush administration.

What? I listen to NPR with Mama, remember? I follow the news and I know that the reputation of my great country is being dragged down by the fearmongers who won't acknowledge that what makes America great is our ability to be the place where all people, if not cats, have the same rights under the law.

I think I'll wait to see who wins the 2008 presidential election before I launch my Feline-American Rights Campaign. Repeat after me: anybody but Hillary. Anybody but Mitt. Anybody but Rudy. Not real keen on Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, or Mike Huckabee, either. What about a unity ticket: McCain-Obama? McCain-Richardson? Never happen, sadly. If I were Mama and the Pennsylvania primary were still going to matter, I'd bite the bullet and affiliate with the Democrats long enough to vote for either Richardson or Obama. But since the nominee will almost certainly be chosen long before then, I think she's going to remain staunchly independent ("unaffiliated" is so declasse).

Anyway, the Christmas tree is up again and Mama has had her first party. It was a meeting, too; they laughed a lot while they did business and didn't pay much attention to me. They would have given me my proper due if I had a vote on Church Council, though apparently there is some clause in the bylaws that prevents cats from joining the church. Yet another instance of human discrimination, I say. If I have to give up cuddle time because Mama is out until after 1 in the morning consoling a family after a death, then I ought to have a say, right?

We had an ice storm yesterday, which made everything very pretty but I could tell that it was slippery outside. Mama didn't have to go out but once, which was good. It's all melted now, but the temperature is dropping again and Mama says we're supposed to have a snowstorm tomorrow into Sunday. That will be nice; I like to watch the snow fall, even if the window sills are too cold to sit in.

If, of course I could sit in the window sills, but somebody decorated them again this year. To be fair, just the ones downstairs, but the ones upstairs are no warmer and I can't see the people as well from upstairs. And the little white dust mop tries to share upstairs, but she doesn't downstairs. I will be very happy for the decorations to go!

On the other hand, every once in a while, the little white dust mop is right:

Live Like a Cat Day

Perhaps on LIVE LIKE A CAT DAY, I can live like a Human day and get my day in court about that horrid, derogatory, insipid photo. Just remember: Calumny and Lies!

Despite it all, Happy Hannukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year in whatever combination applies to you!

Defensively yours,
(as dictated to my "amamauensis")

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